Porn and ejaculation as a survival response.
I have spent two decades exploring conscious sexuality. I have learned a lot about the art of arousal, connection and orgasm… The science and mysticism of pleasure... I’ve also learned about the things that block it.
What most people don’t realize is that they’re in a pretty constant state of survival. They’re feeling high stress from work, relationships, life or whatever and the natural thing is to find coping mechanisms to alleviate the tension... But usually, these coping mechanisms are not healthy and they destroy peace, relationships, and pleasure.
This may come as a surprise to you, but excessive p0rn use or ejaculation is a stress response.
Most people know about fight flight and freeze, but there is also fawn, flock and fornicate. It is programmed into our biology in times of survival stress to have sex and make more babies to perpetuate the survival of the species. Each of our nervous systems are unique in the way they respond to stress but for many men this is their go to to release stress and tension.
On top of that there is a huge dopamine rush at ej@culation which creates craving and withdrawl. If you don’t unhook from the addiction to ejaculation it keeps you stuck in the stress response. In a short period of time you will be back feeling the need for the hit of dopamine and to release tension again.
A better way is to learn how to regulate your nervous systems, and find healthy ways of feeling good. Some times a total dopemine detox is what is needed to unhook from its addictive patterns that aren’t life affirming.
I feel passionate about supporting men to unhook from the addiction to ej@culation / sxx / p0rn. This is a large part of my work with men.
In my personal life this has been something I have sometimes been frustrated with, as it made sex goal orientated, and I couldn’t help but feel sxx was about a hunger rather than connection for my partners. And I have spoken to many females (in my work with women) who wish their partners or men they engaged with would at least try quitting ej@culation for a period of time in order to master this hungry beast.
The trouble is most of the men I see do not feel this way.
They are not admitting there is a problem.
Men come to me confessing that they have trouble concentrating, are often thinking about sex, are fuelled by a hunger for sex, objectify women, seek out sex or sensual massage, feel relieved for a short period of time, but then it starts all over again.
The hunger is back.
But they are so used to that way of being they don’t see it as an issue.
The thing is… Most men are outsourcing their sexual needs, they cannot feel satisfied with their own arousal within themselves and from a full place share their sexual energy.
Their Shakti (life-force/feminine energy) is depleted, because they are constantly eja@culating it away and so they need to out-source it.
As a woman or partner experiencing men in this state, sex can feel needy, grabby and to be honest down-right unfulfilling. It’s just a scratch that needs itching, rather than a desire for connection and intimacy.
The reason it feels needy is because they cannot get fully aroused without some kind of external or visual stimulation.
What their energy is saying is FEED me. Rather than CONNECT with me. It is a very different vibrational state when a man is feeling full and wants to share his energy with you.
P0rn can have a huge part to play in this, hard wiring a man’s body to feel stimulated by the visual rather than by feeling. I get that men are often visual sexually, but it becomes a problem when they can only become aroused through visual or external stimuli.
It’s easy to see how much p0rn a person watches.
High users tighten into arousal - there is absolutely no ability to relax into arousal, everything becomes tighter and tighter the more aroused they get, orgasm is hard to achieve and involves lots of hard friction, like the ejaculation is forced out of the body, rather than welling up and spilling out into orgasm.
If a man’s body is constricted and tight I let them know that it's better for them to learn to relax into arousal, let go of the goal of ejaculation and orgasm for now, and teach their body new pathways to arousal.
These men often have ED too. This type of behaviour is one of the *causes* of ED.
Men, if you are reading this, and you think, this is me, you need to find ways to relax your nervous system and stop excessively ejaculating!
If you care about feeling alive and being sexually vital, stop ejaculating for a while. Preferably 30 days or longer. You also need to quit porn.
Instead....... Develop a practice of presence, of being with your body, your whole body, bringing yourself to 60% arousal, and savouring, breathing and circulating this sacred, beautiful life giving energy throughout your whole body.
It’s important to be with your sexual energy with a calm nervous system - believe me it feels so much better to be with a man who is calm inside AND sexually aroused, as women’s sexual energy is amplified by safety and connection.
Practice deep belly breathing into the diaphragm, and exhale out tension, or shake the body instead of tightening into arousal.
This way once the body is relaxed you can bring this energy up into your heart - using your breath and your hands.
Also with this type of self pleasuring you need to stop fantasizing
Be present with yourself with your own body.
It might be difficult or odd. It may be boring at first. You may feel flat or like you really want to cum.
It can take some time to rewire your body to greater sensitivity and to be able to aroused through your own touch.
You have to be patient and committed to the process.
I created this FREE ebook to support you to
Amplify your pleasure
Extend your ability to last
Become free from ejaculation and porn addiction
Feel more relaxed, balanced and calm
It walks you through the first 30 days of semen retention with what to expect step by step, and offers practices and tips to support you along the way.
Get the SEXUAL MASTERY FOR MEN ebook now.
If you want support, contact me for 1:1 coaching.
Ellie xx
